I'm beginning to hate my body.
No, not in the body-image sense (I more or less made peace with that some time ago). I mean I hate my body, and the way it seems intent on betraying me. Certain old heresies in the church are starting to sound appealing.
The latest is some sort of intestinal infection that is being highly resistant to treatment. I won't discuss the effects; you really don't want to hear it. Suffice to say I'm more or less constantly on edge, not to mention (again) tired a lot, in ways that defeat efforts to start rebuilding my stamina. One doesn't want to be dozing off while trying to work with weights.
It's just strange to be fighting to stay awake at 8:00 p.m. And it's not helpful with ordination exams this weekend.
Anyway, more tests are now on order. Perhaps the infection was not as simple as previously diagnosed. I have trouble caring any more. I'd just like to get through the day and night without disaster.
Of course this kicked in just a little after chemotherapy ended. Naturally, just when I was looking forward to starting to recover a bit. So much of the summer has been spent fighting this instead of getting my strength back.
I have ordination exams to take. I have classes and such for the fall to get ready for. I have blog entries I'd much rather be writing than another health whine. Instead I'm just trying not to doze off in the middle of an ords review.
I cannot suck it up and put on a happy face at the moment. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. And that's about as much as I have energy to say tonight.