Saturday, December 8, 2012

Why we hate Advent (or should), part 2: You can't Handel the truth

So you're back.

Yeah, I'm back.  It's my blog, after all.

You must be feeling pretty good about yourself.  All the traffic on those two blogs you wrote last week, people sharing that damfool Advent travesty you wrote...

Actually, it was a little terrifying.  And besides, that kind of traffic is hardly a drop in the bucket for a real blogger.  If you want to go pick on a blogger with major traffic, go bother Adam Copeland or Rachel Evans.

Fat chance.  I'm your personal mental demon.  You don't get to farm me out.

OK, fine.  Meanwhile, I'm going to try to write this entry before time for bed.  

You know you'll never live up to that again.  Especially not after you get mutilated this Friday.

Thanks for the reminder.  Anyway, I know I'll never live up to that, but I don't care.  Anyway, you might actually enjoy this one.

Oh, you think so?  Why?

Remember the snippy hypothetical average churchgoers from last week?

Yes, what about them?

I'm going to take their advice.

"OK, preacher, now you've gone and done it.  What, you didn't think we were paying attention?  Maybe you thought you would sneak one by us, but we're not that dumb.  You say you're taking our advice and filling the service with nothing but music, but this is just your passive-aggressive way of preaching another Advent sermon without actually preaching.

"Shame on you using the children to try to sneak this Advent foolishness by us.  You put the children up front to sing, so all the parents and grandparents and the whole family will be there to hear them.  And what are they singing?  'Silent night'?  'Away in a manger'?  Noooo, you're trying to sneak some Advent hymn by everybody.  What is this "prepare the way" business?  More Advent.  Weren't you listening last week?  This is downright devious of you.  Put those poor little children up there in front of the congregation to spread this Advent foolishness?  How could you?

"As if using the children wasn't bad enough, you hornswoggled the youth too.  We thought we could count on them to be cynical and suspicious, but you conned them with this Godspell foolishness.  Sheesh, that show is old.  Who knew the music was by the same guy who wrote the music for Wicked? That's just dirty pool, pastor.  So you used the children and conned the youth into your little Advent conspiracy, all this 'prepare the way' talk.  And we still haven't heard 'Hark, the Herald Angels Sing' even once yet.  You're ruining our Christmas, you know that?

"Oh, but then you got really dirty.  You used Messiah on us.  That is a dirty lowdown rotten thing to do.  Everybody knows that Handel's Messiah is the greatest Christmas music of all time, and you had to go turn it into part of your little Advent scheme.  Worse yet, you used Handel to slip that crazy angry guy John the Baptist in by the back door.  Just because it comes right out of today's gospel reading, you think you can use it in church to keep people thinking about this 'preparing' obsession.  And that other business from Messiah, with the bass and then the soprano?  You know you aren't really supposed to sing that part, don't you?  Maybe somebody should send you to music school, pastor.  Then that awful business about purifying.  Pastor, we're pretty sure you broke the choir.  And you slipped in that 'righteousness' talk from last week again.

"The worst part of it is, some people fell for it.  I heard people talking about that service being 'meaningful'.  Those dang youth got all excited, and the kids and their parents got all excited, and even the choir got all excited even though you broke them.  Now they're wondering what happens next, when they ought to be rushing out to get their pitchforks to gig you for all this non-Christmas.  Instead, they're going on about 'anticipation' and even thinking about how Christmas might even be more meaningful if they don't rush into it so hard.  Well, pastor, you might have fooled them, but you won't fool us.  They'll forget soon enough, and then we'll be coming for you.  You wanna anticipate something?  Prepare the way for that pastorectomy.  When you least expect it..."

Still with the satire, huh?  

Eh, it was an excuse for some good links.

And you think you can follow this up next week?

Are you kidding?  I might not even be awake by this time next week.

Yeah, and you might not have a rectum by this time next week either.  So you really think this matters at all?  What's the point?  As if you really have any hope of a pastoral calling if you get turned into a freak show this Friday?  

You know that saying about it being better to light a candle than to curse the darkness?

Yeah, what of it?

So I'm trying to light some candles.  Doesn't mean I can't scream at the darkness at the same time.

You're hopeless, you know that?

Yeah, whatever.

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